Puzzling

I sat through a meeting on Friday and found myself in a downward spiral of thought. The pulsing in my brain that was subtle enough in the morning for me to pocket a tylenol for 'just in case' became a raging rush of frustration personified by the end of the day. By the conclusion of the meeting my face and my words reflected the pain (literal) and frustration pulsing through my being. And here's what was on my mind...
Towards the beginning of the meeting, the most recently accepted scenario of who would be reduced from our team as part of the budget cuts was challenged. An entirely different scenario suddenly was put out as the 'new reality'. I had to laugh only because it put me in a new position, possibly more favorable. I wasn't relieved or excited, only laughing because the change was unexpected. It took the reality that was once so comfortable for some people on our team and made it uncomfortable.
I realize that in this time of economic distress that self-preservation is often the first and then final concern. And maybe it's my personality or my over sensitivity, but I felt the air of competition rise up. The hiring dates versus school board confirmation dates were suddenly important. I just didn't want to think about it.
I guess I was raised to not take my situation for granted, ever. As soon as I heard that my position was in jeopardy, though not my employment I accepted it as a true possibility. I guess that I wanted to see a sort of selfless acceptance on more faces on my team instead of the picking and worrying in a public forum about decisions and details out of our control.
I felt the competition in the air and it made me angry. I don't understand why it's difficult for people to understand that in this situation, the change in our team could be completely arbitrary as people in higher positions will let it be. We can't control their decision-making process. Those who want to be involved with the influential side of it all-that might just be the way to go. But the feeling in the room was not constructive, it was competitive and I hated it.
So the theme for this writing is puzzles. I want to just put the thought out there that these times are puzzling. The pieces will all come together(eventually) into a picture that makes sense. In the meantime, we have to do what's best for our schools, our teachers and our students. That is our piece of this crazy budget puzzle. We have to keep in mind that there is a larger puzzle to build and that our team is a part of that puzzle. If we must serve to preserve something, perhaps it should be the TEAM. The focus on self and away from the team may lead to self-preservation in the short run but what will happen in a year when things are not better and we're fighting the same battle or even more likely-fighting to preserve the idea of the team's entire existence. If we fracture into teeny tiny pieces then we make the puzzle that much more difficult to solve. We lose the idea of team as the key to success to the individual need for self preservation.

Don't get me wrong, I worry a bit about where I will be next year. I am not sure that this blog post helps me out too much! But I do know that I will succeed at whatever it is that I am asked to do and I know that I will do my best to reflect well on our team. So I'm going to go work on a puzzle and relax for the rest of the day...tomorrow will surely present its own opportunities to fit into my part of the puzzle.